Tottenham, Chelsea, Arsenal, and Manchester United appear to be colluding to inflict as much anguish on their fans as possible.
The race for top four in the Premier League has been this year’s best comedy. While Manchester City and Liverpool are reaching incredible heights in their chase for the title, the candidates to finish out the top four — Tottenham, Chelsea, Arsenal, and Manchester United — have done more or less everything within their power to fail to qualify for the Champions League.
Out of a combined 20 games to close the season, those four teams have only won six games. Tottenham, who were the frontrunners for third place for most of the season, went 2-0-3, giving the likes of Arsenal, Chelsea, and United every opportunity to overtake them. Chelsea was the only team that had more wins than losses in that span. Chelsea went 2-2-1 in the last five games, and it was enough for them to limp past Spurs into third place (for now), and to secure their participation in the Champions League next season.
With the new manager glow completely gone after Ole Gunnar Solskjaer managed to salvage the season after Jose Mourinho’s best Nero impression, United went 1-2-2 in their last five matches, and their Champions League pursuit ended with a 1-1 draw against Huddersfield. Huddersfield were the first team to be relegated this season, started the weekend on 14 points, and were essentially playing for pride.
As an Arsenal fan, I felt that I should save them for last. I recall a time, long ago, when Arsenal managed to overtake Spurs on the table. It was only for one week, but that week felt bright and hopeful. During that week, it seemed that, even with the messy and frustrating start to Unai Emery’s reign, Arsenal would still make the Champions League. That would have been some consolation for suffering through the bizarre lineups and tactics of a live action version of Dracula Vlad Țepeș from Castlevania.
In early April, I posted a screenshot of the top four on Twitter, and said that I loved the drama of so many teams so close to each other. One of my followers noted that Arsenal had the easiest remaining schedule, and I cautioned that “Arsenal could always Arsenal it up.”
The concept of an “easy” game for Arsenal this season, as with the other top four candidates, was and is hilarious. There are no easy games. Not just because teams in the Premier League are strong, but because the teams that are chasing for a Champions League spot are a slow motion disaster. It’s not the quality of the opponents that’s the deciding the back of the top four, but the sadism and systematic ineptitude of Arsenal, Chelsea, Spurs, and United. Their only discernible goal over the past few games has been to torment their fans as much as possible.
Last weekend, Chelsea, who had dropped points in three straight, broke that streak to win 3-0 against Watford. They were the only team of the four to end the weekend with a victory. Spurs had an opportunity against Bournemouth to secure top four, and probably third, with a win. So they lost 0-1. And it’s not just the loss that will rankle (or amuse, if you enjoy watching Spurs suffer), but the manner of the loss.
Son Heung-min was sent off at the end of the first half. Eric Dier ran around lunging into tackles like he wanted to be sent off, failing through no fault of his own. Juan Foyth came in at the beginning of the second half as a way of preventing Toby Alderweireld from getting a second booking, and was sent off two minutes later. Spurs managed to keep the game scoreless despite going down to nine, playing a brilliant and exhausting rearguard action to secure what would have been a vital point. Then Nathan Ake scored for Bournemouth in the 91st minute. It was a perfect tragedy.
Bournemouth’s win was also a perfect opportunity for Arsenal and United to close the gap with Spurs, who were up four points on Arsenal, and potentially set up a tantalizing final day of the season. But United somehow drew against Huddersfield, and Arsenal — being Arsenal, coming off a three-game losing streak to Crystal Palace, Wolves, and Leicester City — drew 1-1 at home against Brighton. All three teams managed to paint masterpieces in disappointment, with United and Arsenal taking the Spurs performance as competition.
Complaining that the big team you support is struggling to make the top four is a — perhaps the — mark of footballing privilege, especially when Arsenal and Chelsea are in the Europa League semifinals and Spurs are playing Ajax in a Champions League semifinal. But considering the quality of the teams and their stature in the league, it feels as if they are deliberately trying to avoid making their fans happy.
There’s a scene from the 1967 Jungle Book in which four vultures are perched on a tree and talking amongst themselves. One of the vultures asks another, “Hey Flaps, what we gonna do?” The other vulture responds, “I don’t know, what you wanna do?” After a third gives an answer that suggests some form of activity, the one who asked the initial question admonishes him, then promptly forgets the answer.
They all laugh. Then the fourth vulture, who hadn’t spoken until now, calls out to the first two. Then the one who asked the original question says again, “Ok, so what we gonna do?” And the second replies again, “I don’t know, what you wanna do?”
This scene epitomizes the approach Arsenal, Chelsea, Spurs, and United have taken to the top four race this year, especially in the last few games. They’ve each spent a long time doing nothing, deferring to the others, who also do nothing, and replying to that nothingness with more nothing and another invitation to take pole position. It’s been embarrassing, especially if you’re a fan of a team that missed out.
Thankfully, fans of those teams are about to feel one of the sweetest joys in sports, the joy that eclipses the hope and optimism at the beginning of the season, which is, the relief that the season is over. The end of the cycle of frustration. Or at least, a pause.
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