Here’s what you should do if you want to have a lot of options.
Filling out multiple brackets is wrong and morally unacceptable. The end. Please enjoy this video of a chimp playing table tennis.
Now the narcs are gone, you should absolutely fill out multiple brackets. I mean, why wouldn’t you? It’s not like buying a single lottery ticket is a hard-and-fast rule, and even ESPN’s Tournament Challenge lets you fill out 25 brackets. We have an established social norm that says you should always use a shotgun approach to games of chance in order to hedge your bets.
That said, there’s also an art to filling out multiple brackets — and we’re here to help you with the five brackets you need to complete to increase your odds of winning.
No. 1 — The Chalk Bracket
This bracket is frowned upon because it’s lazy, and make no mistake, it’s definitely lazy. This bracket will not win, because upsets happen — but there is always an outside chance we run into a chalk year, at least in one region.
Look at the 2017 South Regional, for example. The region only had two upsets throughout the entire bracket (Middle Tennessee (12) vs. Minnesota (5) and Wichita State (10) vs. Dayton (7)). The rest of the bracket? All chalk.
The 2016 tourney was chalkier than a Tums. If Syracuse didn’t beat Virginia in the Elite 8 we would have had a Final Four of exclusively No. 1 and No. 2 seeds.
The point here is that you can go so heavily chalk that you can twist it to seem like prescience on a dime. If we get a chalk year and everyone is maligning the lack of upsets, you can stroll up with a chalk bracket and say some crap about how you “watched the tape,” or “this really wasn’t a year for upsets” and people will believe you.
No. 2 — The Bettors Bracket
This one takes some work, so it’s not for the feint of heart. You need to analyze each potential matchup, and marry it with some NCAA Tournament history. Sprinkle in some 12 vs. 5 upsets, pick a No. 1 to win it all, and look for situations where teams need to travel ludicrous distances and go against them.
Make sure you have at least one Cinderella, and for this I suggest looking at small conferences outside of most people’s eyes. Look at Buffalo, for instance. They’ll probably wind up with a low-ish seed because they play in the MAC, but had a 31-3 record on the season. This is serious Cinderella potential.
Do some information gathering too. If a ton of people are picking Duke to cut down the nets then bet against them. Be the contrarian and benefit.
Also, never believe in Gonzaga — ever. They will let you down in the tourney every single time. Sorry Zags, but y’all burned me too many times.
No. 3 — The Stats Bracket
The key to this bracket is to never, ever, ever tell anyone how you arrived at your picks, because you’re going to sound like a nerd.
This bracket is based solely on KenPom. If you follow it to a tee and never let emotion take over you’re going to wind up with a pretty diverse looking bracket that will pass the eye test, and likely get you enough wins that you look like a college basketball genius in the office.
The Stats Bracket shines in the 4-7 seed range — those tough picks people rely on guts. While they’re using nothing you’re using something. No stats system is perfect, but make it your friend for one of your brackets.
No. 4 — The Random Bracket
This always ends up being the bracket that wins your office pool. It’s a tried-and-true combination of nonsensical picks and homerism. I’ve worked some horrible office jobs in NC and I know this method works.
The typical random bracket works in a flowchart for picks.
Team is in my state > I’ve heard of this team > I like their uniforms > Funnier name.
This is a beautiful bracket because it will attract next-to-no hate in the office, because hardcore college basketball people will assume you’re an idiot. At least until you win the entire thing, at which point you need to troll the hell out of the bracketologists in the office by bragging about how you picked totally randomly. If you win with this bracket you’re bound by law to infuriate those around you who take filling out brackets too seriously.
No. 5 — The Upsets Only Bracket
The complete inverse of chalk, this bracket dictates that you pick NOTHING but upsets, no matter how nonsensical it seems. Duke losing to Wofford? Sure — go for it. Kentucky goes down to Maryland? Why not.
This bracket relies less on your picks, and more how much you shatter the hopes and dreams of people who went chalk. Look, you probably won’t win — but at least you get to make fun comments every time someone is incensed their national champion went down in the Round of 32 to a borderline NIT team.
The only thing better than winning your pool is angering those around you.
The Golden Rule:
Have fun and infuriate as many people in your office while you’re doing it.
Golden Rule No. 2:
You are obligated to send me a portion of your winnings if this works for you.
Just kidding, of course you’re not.
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Now the narcs are gone — please send me some.
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