The Rangers are selling a grotesque, 2-pound chicken tender at games this year

The ‘Fowl Pole’ is indeed a foul pole.

The lead up to the MLB season is my favorite time of the year, because we get to see the wacky ballpark fare that will grace America for the upcoming year. But nothing could have prepared me for this.

JUST IN: The 2-pound chicken tender being sold at @Rangers games, called the "Fowl Pole," which comes in its own carrying case on a bed of fries, will be priced at...drumroll please...

$27.50. pic.twitter.com/zUuRKDvYA0

— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) March 11, 2019

I have serious, serious problems with this. So many that I’m having trouble processing my thoughts — so I’ll list them out, stream of consciousness style.

• There’s no way this is actually a chicken tender.
• So what is this thing? Is it a giant nugget or a bunch of tendies stitched together like Frankenstein’s monster?
• If somehow this is a single tender from a mutant chicken then there is no way frying is going to cook this through.
• But if you par-cook it then it’s probably going to be dry.
• Maybe they boil it first?
• That would take a lot of lobster pots to pre-boil a whole bunch of anaconda-like tenders.
• You know, if they just called this a “giant nugget” or “sausage” I’d be okay with it.
• A giant deep fried sausage would actually be good.
• How are they gonna give you two tiny, crappy ramekins of sauce for a tender that weighs more than a human head?
• This is definitely a meat log.
• A pressed meat log.
• I totally get why they opted to call this a “chicken tender” after thinking of the phrase “pressed meat log.”
• Who am I kidding? I’d eat it.

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